A year ago today my family was on their way here; everyone converging on Samantha’s and my house. We had a really fun little reunion planned, and it turned out great (despite several of us catching a pretty bad cold during the week). We went snowmobiling, ate some great food, did a tour of a local chocolate factory, and went to a hockey game together. By this time last year my whole family knew I was trans; I had come out to my parents about two years before, and my brother and sister had found out earlier that year. There was a moment we were all sitting together that I spoke up and told them how grateful I was for them – and to say thank you to them for accepting me and supporting me. I told them I didn’t know exactly what the future looked like, but that I felt so fortunate to be with them.
On April 4 I started Estrogen.
That means that I’m in my 4th week now of HRT including the female hormone. My doctor started me out on a very low dose, along with continuing the testosterone blocker medication I’ve been taking for the last couple years. It’s such a tiny pill, and yet popping that pill represented a really big step forward for me.
It’s such a strange feeling living kinda in between two genders at the moment. On one hand I’m not really out to that many people that I associate with regularly. With exception to my support group, one friend locally, and my therapist and doctors I’m not really out.
But I’m also moving forward in transition, and moving on with my life as Madelyn. That means that over the last few months I’ve been going out more in “girl mode” and meeting more people for the first time as “Madelyn”. This week that was taken to a whole new level as I enrolled and started classes at a local community college as a part-time student.
Does someone decide to transition?
Many trans people that I’ve talked to or read about have said that it was never really a “decision” for them; that it was either transition or die (kill themselves, or die emotionally at a minimum and lose the will to live).
I can certainly identify with the deep despair, and even sense of being disconnected from this life as a result of feeling a gender incongruence. But I can’t necessarily say that I’ve been within inches of ending my life. Why is that?